


you're standing here beside me

by Notmycatsname



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Pining, Queer Themes, Trans Character, Trans Remus Lupin, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notmycatsname/pseuds/Notmycatsname
Summary: "It’s been a while since he’s come to terms with how his insides feel all squiggly when he looks at Remus, a swooping in his stomach like he’s falling off his broom but not nearly as unpleasant. The feeling has only gotten stronger though, especially since Dorcas took Remus shopping and helped him swap out his old robes for new ones made for men."
Relationships: Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 79





	you're standing here beside me

They’re meeting in the backroom of a dingy bar tonight, members of the Order packed into what Sirius would graciously describe as a storeroom. The bone-deep chill of December fills the room despite it being crammed full of people and Sirius is grateful for his heavy robes, doing their best to shield him from the cold. He pulls his cloak tighter around himself and leans shoulder-to-shoulder with James, letting his eyes wander around the room. Perhaps he should be paying better attention but his limit for sitting through any lecture of sorts has always been about half an hour and they’re closing in on a full fifty minutes of Dumbledore and Moody talking _at_ them instead of _to_ them. By the looks of it, though, he’s not the only one who has zoned-out from the conversation at hand. Marlene, too, seems to be far away from the discussion, head cocked slightly and eyes vacant but a soft almost smile on her lips. Sirius follows her gaze to Dorcas huddled in the corner with Remus and he’s sure he has the same stupid look on his face.

It’s been a while since he’s come to terms with how his insides feel all squiggly when he looks at Remus, a swooping in his stomach like he’s falling off his broom but not nearly as unpleasant. The feeling has only gotten stronger though, especially since Dorcas took Remus shopping and helped him swap out his old robes for new ones made for men. He looks brilliant, Sirius thinks, the lower cut v-neck traded for a more structured, broad shouldered look. It suits him more than any of the women’s robes used to, although Sirius reckons part of that is because he looks so much happier now. Remus’s coming-out has been a long and arduous process, lots of small half-steps forward among those close to him while he stayed hidden around others. Sirius understands that Remus won’t, can’t just say “fuck you” to anyone who doesn't accept him. He’s learned in his long friendship with Remus that where he would lead with anger, Remus’s first reaction is almost a reluctant sort of compliance, to stuff himself further down behind the mask he puts up for others. But this, these proper robes with their straight lines, how they accentuate Remus’s strong silhouette and are so distinctly not his old flowy, blousy ones he wore for so long, Sirius sees this as a strong but subtle assertion of who he really is.

And thank god for Dorcas, honestly. Sirius wishes he were close enough to her to heft all five feet of her into his arms and spin her around for the confidence she’s given Remus. He’s sure now that all anyone needs to be their truest self is a caring but powerful push forward from tiny butch lesbian who won’t take shit from anyone. She’s been the master of charming menswear to fit those who aren’t broad-shouldered and six feet tall for years. Sirius remembers when he was in fourth year, being in awe at how confident she was in her own skin even though she was just a few years older than him. At the time, he’s sure neither he nor Remus had any hope of being that well put together ever in their lives, let alone by age 17. But here they are, inching towards embracing who they are, with Dorcas there for Remus every step of the way.

Sirius knows what it’s like to live in a world that doesn’t feel like it’s made for him. James has made fun of him for taking nearly 18 years to figure out he was gay and Sirius laughs along but really how was he to know that that was even an option when his whole life had been filled with whispers of girls, talk of future marriages and children, feeble attempts to force an interest in girls like James with Lily. But he knows it’s been even harder for Remus, both as a werewolf and as a trans man. He knows Remus feels at odds in this world, he’s told him as much but only on nights soaked through with alcohol and weed as they lament on their own differences. But Dorcas, Sirius knows, has been a fucking godsend to Remus, showing him first that he doesn’t have to be the type of girl everyone wants him to be, and then that he doesn’t have to be a girl at all. Sirius knows Remus isn’t his to own, isn’t his responsibility, but wants to send Dorcas the finest bottle of Firewhiskey he can to thank her for what she’s done for Remus. Hell, it's Christmas soon enough, he may do it anyway.

There’s movement around the room now and a sudden rush of cold air and Sirius blinks back out of his staring and into the real world. Order members are steadily filing out of the bar and into the frigid night air and Sirius shakes his head a bit, straightens his shoulders, and claps James on the back as he makes his way over to Remus. He kicks Marlene’s foot on the way, as she raises from her seat and follows him. “Finally going to make your move then?”

Sirius snorts and shakes his head. “Right, because you’re the epitome of queer competentness.” She laughs aloud at him. “My poor 15-year-old self had never even imagined someone as drunk as you, a prefect even, when I walked in on your sloppy declaration of love.”

Marlene shoulders past him to reach Dorcas, lets her wrap her arms around her. “Hmm, but look at us now,” she mutters softly, leaning down to murmur something in her ear. Remus takes a polite step away from the two of them, towards Sirius, and gives him a smile. It’s bright and genuine and even when they’re surrounded by the destruction of the war around them, constant talk of the doom to come, Sirius can’t help but feel the hope in it.

“Get some dinner with me?” Sirius aims for nonchalance but judging from the way Remus’s eyebrows raise, he’s failed miserably. But then again, that may only be apparent to someone who knows him better than family. Maybe only to Remus. “We can pick up some takeaway, take it back to mine, put on a movie?” He thinks of the two of them, smushed together on his overstuffed, too-small couch, warm from the fireplace and full of pizza and it feels like his guts are tumbling through the air but in the best way. Remus smiles at him, softer this time, and nods as he takes a timid step forward, brushing their fingers together. Sirius tries not to let his breath catch like a second year as he takes the initiative and grabs his hand as they walk outside.

And maybe he’s imagining it, or it’s the neon red lights from the Christmas lights next door, but Sirius thinks he sees a soft blush tinting the apples of Remus’s cheeks and he melts with it. “That sounds good,” Remus says, squeezing Sirius’s hand. “But if you cry during _Jaws_ again I’m leaving and will only be bribed back with chocolate.” He’s wearing a shit-eating grin and Sirius loves him for it. His only hope is that he can make the walk back without blurting it out to Remus, but then again, he reckons Remus already knows

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> notmycatsname on tumblr


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